I am relentless. I am relentless. I am relentless…
This was my mantra I chose tonight as I took a meditation class at my gym for the first time. I got this from a book I just finished on Audible, “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life” by Gary John Bishop. (I made that super easy for you… just click the link and it will bring you to Amazon !) Such an awesome and motivational book if you get the chance to read it, and even better if you listen to it on Audible, because you get to listen to it in Bishop’s handsome Scottish accent 😉
I need to remind myself of this often when dealing with life in general, but more specially this evening, when dealing with my son’s high-conflict biological mother; HCBM as often used on the step-mothering support groups I am part of on Facebook.
I got home from work today, feeling unusually exhausted. Like, can’t keep my eyes open, pass me the toothpicks kind of exhausted. Ever feel that way?? Anyhow, I got kiddo from the bus stop, helped fix him a snack, and tried to rest up a bit because I knew I NEEDED to get to the gym tonight. I don’t usually go to the gym on Mondays, but this was the first week I was able to make the commitment to myself to try out this mediation class they offer. I figured, since I’m going to be there anyway, I should plan my excursion to include some cardio since I slacked off in that department this past week. I’ll start by saying I’m a huge believer in the saying, “all things happen for a reason” … Boy was I right… I couldn’t have picked a better night to try this class out!
So, I get dinner made, lunches prepped for tomorrow, goodnight hugs and kisses to my kiddo and husband (since I would be home after they would both already be sleeping), put on my workout clothes and headed out. I got to the gym, did my 30 minutes on the treadmill, and headed to the locker room to get ready for the guided meditation. Side note, if you have never tried a guided mediation, YOU NEED TO! Extremely relaxing and helps get rid of all the stress and tension you ae holding onto. As I’m putting my phone in my locker, I get an alert from Talking Parents, the communication portal my husband and I use to communicate with his son’s mother. I read the first message… a response which was a pleasant surprise to what I thought would be a conflict. Phew, we dodged a bullet. Then I get a second notification. This time, a not-so-pleasant message. I’ll spare you the details, but if you have to co-parent with a high-conflict biological parent, I’m sure you can only imagine.
This is where it all falls into place. I normally would let this type of message manifest and infuriate me, slowly eating at my soul until I physically felt sick to my stomach. No other human should ever have that type of power over you. No one. Not even yourself… negative self-talk is the devil, Bobby Boucher! (Que corny quote from The Waterboy lol).
Tonight, I took a different approach. I forwarded the message to my husband, agreed that not responding would be our best bet at this time, and told him I was putting my phone in my locker and headed to class. Now, I will say, this was not easy by any means. This was diffidently a challenge in some of the new techniques I’ve been working on implementing in my life. Already tense at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and taking a new class, it’s time to delve on in.
I unrolled my yoga mat, grabbed a bolster and a block, and sat down. I followed suit of everyone else in the room, untied my shoes and sat with my back up against the wall. While going through these motions and getting ready for the class to start in the dark room, with calming music playing in the background, I kept reminding myself that I would not let her take this moment from me. This was my time. This class was for me, and no one else. I was not going to allow these impeding thoughts of negativity ruin the time I had set aside for myself. Accept these thoughts and let them go. And as the class began, that’s what I kept thinking. It was like I was in a one-on-one with the instructor narrating our guided mediation. She was speaking directly to my thoughts. She reminded us that outside thoughts would come up, to accept them, and let them go. To concentrate on our breathing, counting our inhales and exhales. Finding our center and breathing in cool, refreshing air and expelling all tension and negativity. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Towards the end of the class, she told us to pick a mantra that resonated with us in that moment, and to repeat it over and over in our head as we began to wind down the class. “I am relentless, I am relentless, I am relentless” I told myself over and over again. By this, I mean that I will not give up on myself. Not give up on my progress, not give up on my goals. I am relentless.
I feel like I have conquered something tonight. A small victory maybe, but progress is what counts. I allowed myself to be present in the moment, and not let someone else control my emotions. I felt at peace with myself, and not angry or resentful. I was able to focus on me, and the class, and not let the negative talk win. I was able to let go of her hostility, and focus on what really matters, and at that moment, it was taking care of myself. I need to take care of myself, from the inside out, to be the best wife, mother, and all of the other titles I hold. I need to make sure I continue taking these steps, implementing the lessons I’ve learned from these great authors, and focus on me.
You must first put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.
xoxo – Cheryl