Step-Momming – Veteran's Wife, Bariatric Life

Why I DO NOT Believe in New Year’s “Resolutions”

So it’s a Friday evening, and I’m sitting here enjoying a nice relaxing pedicure, and realized it’s been a really long time since I wrote a blog post. I’ve been meaning to write this one since last year actually. Being the new year is upon us, I figured I’d share about why I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. It’s something that weighs on my mind every single year when I see people making a promise to themselves to change everything under the sun about their lives, beginning on one single day… this year more so because it’s the beginning of a new decade; not just a new year.

I’m all for change and self-improvement … don’t get me wrong. It’s not that. I just feel like the entire “resolution” process in particular is setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. People tend to get really hyped up and dive in full force, only to overwhelm themselves and fall flat. I like to refer to my take on the new year as “New Year’s Goals” as opposed to resolutions. I think goals aren’t as harshly defined, but yet have set good intentions for the upcoming year. How many times do you here of someone being disappointed in themselves for falling off their resolution wagon, only a few days or weeks into the year?? It’s all too common. Go to a gym mid-January and you will see what I mean… half as many people are there as there were on January 1st or 2nd.

New Year’s Goals are for the whole year …. a focus of change and intention that you can practice and prefect as the year progresses.

Everyone’s goals are different, obviously, but a lot of the time involve some sort of self-improvement. For me, my goals this year include daily meditation, intention setting on a regular basis (according to moon phases if you follow me on Instagram and believe in that sort of thing) and working on my overall health; mentally and physically. Of course my mediation and intention setting go hand in hand with my health, and how I plan to go about changing it.

I have no plan on changing everything overnight … again, that’s a setup for failure…. instead, I started slowly towards the end of last year. I began meditating as an almost-daily practice. Every evening while I fall asleep, I put on my headphones (my husband just got me these super awesome ones for Christmas), and listen to a sleep meditation or chakra balance meditation to fall asleep to. There are some amazing ones on YouTube as well as ones available through Audible. I found myself more rested, and able to clear my mind and fall into a deeper sleep faster. I also added this melatonin supplement as a natural aid to help me fall asleep, as I’m not a huge fan of prescription sleep medication for me. Being able to get a good night’s sleep makes getting up at 5:30AM a lot easier, especially on these cold, winter, New York mornings. Not to mention, enough energy to get me through the day productively.

Through the holidays, I enjoyed my fair share of sweets and treats, indulged here and there, but did not beat myself up over it. We are allowed to enjoy food, and almost any food, in moderation. So to start off the year, I’m going back into my routine, knowing that I will inevitably have to detox from sugar, and that it will honestly suck a bit …. but I’m not leaving the holiday season feeling denied. I’ll slowly transition back to my stricter eating habits, and once the New Year’s rush is passed as the gym…. mid-January… I plan on adding dates back on my calendar for strictly gym-time. These are times and days I put on my calendar, set up reminders, and make a promise to myself to go to the gym… no matter how many excuses I can think up. Sometimes it’s for a particular class, or just plain cardio time. Preplanned and on the calendar give me a little more accountability when I don’t have a gym partner there.

Another thing is that I always start the new year with a crispy and clean new calendar. And fresh, rewritten to-do lists. Organization. Ahhhh… one thing that sparks some major joy for me. Ever since finding about her brand years ago, Erin Condren has been a personal favorite when it comes to planners. I love that I can customize my planner to how I like it, pick my own style and colors, and find what is most visually appealing to me at this season in life. This year I chose an awesome astronomical design that incorporated my sun sign, Pisces, as well as a matching throw blanket … all with my name on them. I mean… who doesn’t want a matching planner and soft, plushy throw?? Just me?? Ok then!! (Trust me… you won’t regret the throw… I’m in love and have to steal it back from my hubs and kiddo all the time lol).

Of course I have some smaller goals on my list too…. be more timely with folding and putting away laundry. Getting rid of clothes and other household items that no longer fit or spark joy for me (thanks Marie Kondo! If you don’t know who or what I’m talking about, check out her books here or her series on Netflix … life changing!). Declutter. Maintain organization. Find happiness and balance in a clean home.

Overall, whether you choose to set “New Year’s Resolutions” or go with my more casual approach of “New Year’s Goals” … I think the most important part is to just keep growing. Keep learning. Keep pushing forward. Find what makes you happy, what you need to improve, what your family needs and go with it! Write it out so you have some accountability to yourself, maybe in your Erin Condren planner, or someplace else that you will see it often… a mirror you look at daily like your bathroom mirror is a great place for this, too! Do check-in’s with yourself often. It’s all about growth – not perfection. Change can happen at any time, not just January 1^st. There are 365 chances for fresh starts every year… Do something daily to improve your life… you will thank yourself later!

My ONE THING I do Every Week to Keep My Sanity as a Busy Mom, Wife & Boss-lady!

The one, and probably most important, word of advice I can give any other busy mom, wife or boss-lady, is to make time for yourself!

It took me forever to learn this valuable lesson. After almost 5 years with my wounded warrior husband, over a year after becoming a full-time step mom, and about 8 months into my bariatric journey 2.0 with the RNY gastric bypass, I can finally say that this is something I make sure I do for myself every week and it has helped my mental well-being tremendously.

Now, I will say, “me-time” can come in funny ways… for me, its grocery shopping. Crazy, right?? Well, let me back track here a little bit. I recently discovered Wegman’s… now, if you aren’t familiar, it’s like the Taj Mahal of grocery stores, in my opinion at least. BUT, the closest one is about 45 minutes from my home. I use Walmart Grocery Pick Up for my bulk items and most of the food for my hubby and kiddo. But once a week, I take a trip down to Wegmans. This is where I get most of my food for my bariatric journey. So, in addition to my time alone, it’s also like a treat, getting to shop for foods JUST for me.

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The one rule I do have though is I always go alone. Selfish, right??? Nope! Not at all. I go on an evening when my husband is home with our son, or when he’s visiting his bio-mom. This time is reserved just for me! No husband, no kids, no dogs, no “work” … just me! I listen to my favorite podcasts on my way there and on the way home. I take my time cruising the aisles of the store without interruption or people nagging me for other stuff. I pick out the high-quality, protein dense foods my body needs and deserves along this journey of transformation.

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I often go after a long day at work, but I find it so refreshing. I feel like I’m getting that solo time to unwind, regroup and get ready for the week ahead. I get all of my food to last me the week, and its food I look forward to eating, because I know it’s healthy.

The other part of this is my podcasts or audible books (PS – if you click that link, you can get a free, 30 day trial to Audible from Amazon!). I really think I was living under a rock before I found them. I look forward to the new podcasts each week that I subscribe to, or the next chapter in a book I’m listening to. It falls in line with my 2019 goal of always working to learn something new and working on better myself. So, between the healthy grocery shipping, and the podcasts/books, it’s a win-win.

We can’t be the best wife, mother or worker that we can be, or to our best potential, without taking that much needed time for ourselves. This is just one of the things I do for myself every week. Sometimes it’s taking a nice, Sunday evening bubble bath (I LOVE my Lush bath bombs!), or a little time in my hot tub on an evening during a busy week. Maybe it’s going to a paint & sip, grabbing a coffee with your girlfriends, or taking that yoga class you keep putting off.

Make some time for you this week!

xoxo Cheryl

How I manage to balance being a Mom, Wife & Boss with multitasking!

Ahhh…. It’s Friday night, 6:15PM and I’m still sitting at my desk at work. This week has been extremely long and draining. Luckily, my step kiddo is with his biological mother tonight so I can put in a few extra hours at the office. Much needed time to get caught up and squared away for the busy weekend. Plus, I tend to work more productively when I’m alone in my office… this would only be better had I brought wine!

With a little bit of downtime, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I manage to find balance when things get chaotic. I have always struggled with finding a work-life/home-life/personal-growth balance. Working hard and being on a constant business hustle… I got that down pat! Being the wife of a wounded warrior, one thing I have learned to adjust to is sudden obstacles and last-minute change of plans (you can check out an early post I wrote about this here). But becoming a full-time stepmom almost a year and a half ago, THAT through a lot into upheaval. Talk about learning a new schedule, new lifestyle, and trying to fit 8 million new-to-me tasks into a small, 24-hour period, and still get a few hours of sleep at night… while still trying to work a full-time job and keep my home in one piece.

Now that I’ve got the mom situation under control a little more, I’ve been working on finding a balance in the three most important areas in my life so that all three are fulfilled and given the attention that they deserve. Here’s what a typical day looks like for me, and how I’ve managed to multitask and streamline some things to find a better balance and more productive environment for everyone in our household.

5:30AM – the alarm clock goes off…. It’s time to get kiddo up and ready for school. I hit snooze a few too many times, and by 5:45 I’m up and on the move. While kiddo is getting ready, I head out to the kitchen, let the dogs out, feed them, make kiddo his over-easy egg & get his vitamins and meds ready for him to take.

6:30AM – kiddo is off to school and this is when I will take a little time to load the dishwasher, start a load of laundry or tidy up a little bit before I have to get myself ready for work. Somedays, I can’t deny it…. I will definitely crawl back under my nice warm covers and set the alarm for 30 minutes. Anyone else get the most amazing sleep when you know you’re supposed to be awake, but you just can’t help it? No? Just me? LOL

7:00AM – time to get myself ready for work… jump in the shower, get dressed, you know, the normal morning routine. I make sure I take my meds and my vitamins, pack my lunch and snacks for the day, and off to work I go.

Now while I’m at work, my laundry is going, my Roomba is vacuuming, and any dishes from this morning are in the dish drain drying. Seriously thou, I LOVE my Roomba… it’s so nice to come home to clean floors daily!! Its automatically set to go every day at 10AM and I can always just ask Alexa to start the vacuum. I definitely love technology that makes my life simpler!

8:00AM – the work day starts… I wear a few different crowns in my career, but most days I’m at my desk, processing paperwork and taking customer calls.

Early afternoon – I leave work to go pick up the kiddo from the bus stop. Some days, I will run and pick up my grocery order on my way home (I use Walmart Grocery for the EASIEST pick up! I simply add things via the app or my computer, place the order, and pick it up! They even load it into my car and I’m off! Click the link above for a promo code to get $10 off your first order!). Any time I’m in the car alone, I’m all about the podcasts or books on Audible (get a great deal for new subscribers by clicking that link!!)… You can find some of my favorite books I’ve listened to recently here. I recently discovered them, and it has made my time in the car feel so much more productive. I love listening to my fav girl, Rachel Hollis, or other learning, self-help, or inspirational podcasts or books (you can find some of them here!).

I get home, will put groceries away if it’s a grocery day, let the dogs out for a quick walk, swap over laundry, pack my kiddo’s “work bag” with his favorite snacks, iPod and a book. I’ll scroll Facebook or Instagram(check me out via those links for the most up-to-date info on whats going on in my life! Id really appreciate it!)while I’m waiting at his bus stop, and back to work we go! He’ll do his homework then relax for a bit while I finish up my work day.

5:00PMish – time to head back home! Kiddo will feed the dogs and empty the Roomba while I get dinner started. I try to utilize my Crock Pot or Instant Pot as much as possible to help cut down on the dinner cook time and make then nights chores a little less hectic. I’ll do whatever other chores that need to be taken care of while dinner cooks. I’ll often make myself a shake, because once everything is taken care of on the home front, its time for me to hit the gym. I’ll usually try to head to the gym to get some cardio in around 6:30-7 and be home around 8ish to tuck kiddo in to do it all again tomorrow!

8:30PM or so – I’ll take care of any last-minute chores, spend a little time writing, prepare any shipments for eBay or my small Etsy shop, maybe even catch up on some of my guilty pleasure TV show, then its bedtime for this tired mama!!

Now, we do have a lot of variations that go on in our schedule, like nights we have therapist appointments, Boy Scouts, or firehouse meetings. Each day is a little different, plus you never know what will get thrown your way! I also work in a crazy-hectic environment, so some days I’m stuck at work till 7 or 8 at night, or I have to be up for work at 5AM… we just adjust our schedule and routine as needed.

Lately, life has taught me a lot about learning how to roll with the punches. Things don’t always go as planned, and some nights you are just too tired to get it all done. And that’s OK!! Just make sure those things that are put off today are a priority tomorrow. Most of the time, if something wasn’t done the day before, I will try to get it done the following morning when I have a little time to myself. Moral of the story… find balance. Whether it be getting up early to make your morning go easier or listening to podcasts to help yourself grow while you are in the car, do it. You’ll be happy you did.

Bonus Tip! – My Apple Calendar has been a LIFESAVER! I linked it to my email, so my phone, laptop, desktop and even my husband’s cell phone ALL have the SAME calendar. This way everyone knows what’s going on and what’s scheduled for that day, including our son’s custody schedule. I even put my workouts and date nights on the calendar to help with accountability!

How I Turned a Co-Parenting Conflict into a Lesson on Inner Peace

I am relentless. I am relentless. I am relentless…

This was my mantra I chose tonight as I took a meditation class at my gym for the first time. I got this from a book I just finished on Audible, “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life” by Gary John Bishop. (I made that super easy for you… just click the link and it will bring you to Amazon !) Such an awesome and motivational book if you get the chance to read it, and even better if you listen to it on Audible, because you get to listen to it in Bishop’s handsome Scottish accent 😉

I need to remind myself of this often when dealing with life in general, but more specially this evening, when dealing with my son’s high-conflict biological mother; HCBM as often used on the step-mothering support groups I am part of on Facebook.

I got home from work today, feeling unusually exhausted. Like, can’t keep my eyes open, pass me the toothpicks kind of exhausted. Ever feel that way?? Anyhow, I got kiddo from the bus stop, helped fix him a snack, and tried to rest up a bit because I knew I NEEDED to get to the gym tonight. I don’t usually go to the gym on Mondays, but this was the first week I was able to make the commitment to myself to try out this mediation class they offer. I figured, since I’m going to be there anyway, I should plan my excursion to include some cardio since I slacked off in that department this past week. I’ll start by saying I’m a huge believer in the saying, “all things happen for a reason” … Boy was I right… I couldn’t have picked a better night to try this class out!

So, I get dinner made, lunches prepped for tomorrow, goodnight hugs and kisses to my kiddo and husband (since I would be home after they would both already be sleeping), put on my workout clothes and headed out. I got to the gym, did my 30 minutes on the treadmill, and headed to the locker room to get ready for the guided meditation. Side note, if you have never tried a guided mediation, YOU NEED TO! Extremely relaxing and helps get rid of all the stress and tension you ae holding onto. As I’m putting my phone in my locker, I get an alert from Talking Parents, the communication portal my husband and I use to communicate with his son’s mother. I read the first message… a response which was a pleasant surprise to what I thought would be a conflict. Phew, we dodged a bullet. Then I get a second notification. This time, a not-so-pleasant message. I’ll spare you the details, but if you have to co-parent with a high-conflict biological parent, I’m sure you can only imagine.

This is where it all falls into place. I normally would let this type of message manifest and infuriate me, slowly eating at my soul until I physically felt sick to my stomach. No other human should ever have that type of power over you. No one. Not even yourself… negative self-talk is the devil, Bobby Boucher! (Que corny quote from The Waterboy lol).

Tonight, I took a different approach. I forwarded the message to my husband, agreed that not responding would be our best bet at this time, and told him I was putting my phone in my locker and headed to class. Now, I will say, this was not easy by any means. This was diffidently a challenge in some of the new techniques I’ve been working on implementing in my life. Already tense at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and taking a new class, it’s time to delve on in.

I unrolled my yoga mat, grabbed a bolster and a block, and sat down. I followed suit of everyone else in the room, untied my shoes and sat with my back up against the wall. While going through these motions and getting ready for the class to start in the dark room, with calming music playing in the background, I kept reminding myself that I would not let her take this moment from me. This was my time. This class was for me, and no one else. I was not going to allow these impeding thoughts of negativity ruin the time I had set aside for myself. Accept these thoughts and let them go. And as the class began, that’s what I kept thinking. It was like I was in a one-on-one with the instructor narrating our guided mediation. She was speaking directly to my thoughts. She reminded us that outside thoughts would come up, to accept them, and let them go. To concentrate on our breathing, counting our inhales and exhales. Finding our center and breathing in cool, refreshing air and expelling all tension and negativity. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Towards the end of the class, she told us to pick a mantra that resonated with us in that moment, and to repeat it over and over in our head as we began to wind down the class. “I am relentless, I am relentless, I am relentless” I told myself over and over again. By this, I mean that I will not give up on myself. Not give up on my progress, not give up on my goals. I am relentless.

I feel like I have conquered something tonight. A small victory maybe, but progress is what counts. I allowed myself to be present in the moment, and not let someone else control my emotions. I felt at peace with myself, and not angry or resentful. I was able to focus on me, and the class, and not let the negative talk win. I was able to let go of her hostility, and focus on what really matters, and at that moment, it was taking care of myself. I need to take care of myself, from the inside out, to be the best wife, mother, and all of the other titles I hold. I need to make sure I continue taking these steps, implementing the lessons I’ve learned from these great authors, and focus on me.

You must first put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

xoxo – Cheryl

I’m back! Where have I been?

First and foremost, I’d like to welcome you to the new home of the Veteran’s Wife, Bariatric Life blog! After some research and some solid advice from my idol, Rachel Hollis, I’ve decided to break away from Blogspot, aka Blogger, and branch out on my own!

Why I’ve been MIA for the past *almost* two years…

Where do I begin…. I left off telling you about my departure from the LLR cult nightmare and my pursuit of the gastric sleeve. I’m happy to say the door is completely closed with LLR and I had bariatric surgery on June 11^th, 2018!! Slight change in plans thou…. I had GASTRIC BYPASS!! This is the surgery I’ve wanted since they removed my band, but my old surgeon was against. After talking to my gastroenterologist, who happens to be one of my FAVORITE doctors ever, he referred me to an amazing and world-renowned bariatric surgeon in New York City! After meeting with my new surgeon and his kickass team, he agreed with my past history and severe reflux, that RNY (Roux-en-YGastric Bypass) was the best fit for me overall.

Surgery went well, despite only “bypassing” 100 cm of my intestines, instead of the standard 150 cm due to excessive scar tissue. I got to spend a few days in one of the top rated hospitals in the WORLD with an amazing view of the George Washington Bridge from my hospital room (check out my Instagram @veteranswifebariatriclife to see pics from when I was in the hospital!). My recovery was easy, and the transition from liquids, to soft foods, to normal foods was just as easy as the first go-around with my LapBand. I am so in love with my new “tiny tummy”!

Long story short….. things happen for a reason and always go with your gut! Had I not been sidetracked, hell, completely derailed (I’ll get back to the in a little bit), I would have went along with the Gastric Sleeve, despite my gut instinct that it wasn’t for me. I also suspect this had a lot to do with why I was dragging my feet during the process. I wasn’t excited. I tried to be… but deep down, I knew it wasn’t for me. I’m grateful that things turned out the way they did, and the “bigger plan” finally fell into place. I truly feel this surgery was the right fit for me, as I sit here, typing this post, 7 months post op, sipping on a protein shake.

Now the biggest reason I’ve been missing…. I’m a quasi-fulltime step mom now! I honestly do not know where to begin in telling this story. It’s long, and heartbreaking at times. I’ll just take a deep breath and dive right in.

In 2017, by husband (and I…. I put this in parentheses because its technically only my husband… step moms don’t really have any rights “legally” on paper) petitioned for official joint custody of my step son who was 9 at the time. We had a great relationship with his bio-mom and she was completely on board. We had him every weekend, from Friday to Sunday, as it was anyhow, and life was perfect. This worked well for all of us. I would take him to his baseball games during the week if his bio-mom had work, or if his step dad was busy with his son’s baseball team. Now it was time to put it on paper. We didn’t even have to appear before the judge and everything was agreed upon mutually.

Then it was like an atomic bomb was dropped… it was Friday, November 3^rd. I had picked my step son up early from school that day, as I had to get him to my parents’ house for the night so my husband and I could attend a good friend of ours wedding. On our way down from school, the flood gates opened and my kiddo had unleashed a fury of heartbreaking information. Stories of both physical & mental abuse, alcoholism, and neglect that broke my heart and completely blindsided my husband and myself. I had to pull over the car, and I held this poor, sweet, innocent 10 year old as he cried his eyes out and shook in fear that “CPS would come and take him and his siblings away” because he “told someone” what was happening. The only thing I could do was assure him that everything was going to be ok, that daddy and I would protect him, and that we were proud of him for telling me what was going on. The breaking point; lobster. A South African Lobster Tail he had so excitedly told his mother and step father about after going to dinner with my parents one week prior. They had went out to dinner to celebrate their one year anniversary of being “grandparents” so my husband and I could enjoy our first wedding anniversary together. Apparently, kids are not supposed to order lobster, and he was “reprimanded” for doing so. My parents didn’t care… they were the ones footing the bill… they told him he could anything he wanted, and this wasn’t his first time ordering his favorite lobster. He was excited to tell his older step brother and even wanted to take him there for his birthday, so he could have the famous giant lobster tail, too.

This was just the tip of a huge iceberg we were about to crash into. First thing Monday morning, we were in court, filing an order of protection and establishing emergency custody. I’ll spare you the details of a very long and painfully drawn out story, but after a full year plus, countless court dates and thousands upon thousands of dollars in legal fees, we now have primary physical custody and joint legal custody. The things that we went through as a family, I would never wish that on anyone. I spent 8 months driving him to and from his old school, an hour each way… that’s 4 hours in the car A DAY for me… 5 days a week… for EIGHT months. To say this took a toll on me mentally and physically would be an understatement. I was now in charge of someone else; making sure he was fed, bathed, nourished, healthy, happy… it was a learning curve. Anything and everything that had to do with me had to take a back seat (as well as my pursuit of bariatric surgery, round 2). I cried many days once I had dropped him off, knowing that I would have to squeeze an 8 hour workday into 4 hours that I was there, and seeing what seemed like no end in sight. But there would be an end… or at least a break from the craziness. I’m blessed to have an amazing child in my life, who is now 11, and thriving. Doing A-MAZE-ING in his new school district. Who is unbelievably well-behaved and well mannered. Who often reminds me that I’m doing a great job as his step mom, even when I question myself.

All in all, I am blessed. I am lucky. The custody situation is closed, for now. Surgery is DONE. I am on my way to a happier, healthier me. I’ve been working on finding the balance between family-care and self-care. Working on making myself a priority while still making sure my family is well taken care of. It’s no longer a weekend mom gig … it’s a 7-day-a-week mom gig. I have to put this tiny human first, while also putting my health and wellbeing first as well.

Here’s to 2019…. A year of self-improvement, thanks to my recent discovery of Podcasts and Audible …. Why didn’t I know about you when I was in the car for 4 hours a day!?! LOL

xoxo Cheryl