custody – Veteran's Wife, Bariatric Life

Why I Chose to Start a Blog … & the Reasons Behind My Why

I often think about why I started a blog. I feel like I have a lot of experience with a few different life situations that I could share with other people with the hopes of helping them know that they are not alone. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone is enough to ease the pain or confusion of most life altering experiences. You, in fact, are not alone… no matter what season of life you are going through, or what hardship you are facing. Someone knows your struggle and little tidbits of advice are out there if you know where to find them.

My world was completely turned upside down in November 2017 as I’ve written about some of my other blog posts. My stepson, who had previously only been with us on weekends, was now residing at our house full-time, unexpectedly. I pretty much got a crash course instantly, learning firsthand how to be a mother. If there’s one other mom out there who goes from being a part-time stepmom to a full-time mother overnight, I want to be able to help her know she is not alone.

Going through bariatric surgery for the first time in 2007, and then having my LapBand removed in 2015, has given me a lot of first-hand experience with different types of complications and living life with having weight loss surgery. Then, add in having gastric bypass in June 2018… I consider myself a slightexpert on the subject lol. I’ve learned a lot along the bariatric journey by trial and error, spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on different products or protein shakes to find out what’s good and what is not. Shopped many different stores to find out who had the best prices and the best customer service. And I would love to be able to share that experience that I have and any words of wisdom with somebody else who may be going to the same thing, or who is considering having surgery.

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Being the wife of a wounded veteran is also something that came with lots of trials and tribulations. I did not know a thing about PTSD or what a TBI was prior to meeting my husband. I spent countless hours researching all that I could to find about life after being an infantry Marine. I took a long time to find people with actual experience that could help me and guide me along the way. There were probably about 1000 calls made to our local VA hospital to learn the ropes of the system. I single-handedly helped my husband become service-connected, which was no easy feat in itself. I didn’t know what life is going to entail with a husband whose wounds are not visible. He looks completely normal on the outside, and to most people, they wouldn’t know any different. But there’s nightmares and night terrors, and forgetfulness and constant reminders so that things operate smoothly in our home. If I can help with one other wife or a girlfriend of a wounded warrior understand that although some days may seem like a challenge, that there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, that’s why am doing this.

To any other woman who has been married and divorced in her 20s and then remarried in her later 20s. This is for you. To any other a 33-year-old woman who does not have any children of her own, this is for you. For the women who struggle with infertility and PCOS, and the constant questions of when you’re going to grow your family, you’re not alone. This is real, and so is the pain and defeat.

There are so many people in this world that I get inspired by, and I dream to be like them someday. Rachel Hollis is an amazing example of this. As she says, she has no formal education and has learned everything with the help of a Google search bar. I want the world to know that anything is possible when you set your mind to it. I have no formal education when it comes to writing. I graduated high school and actually despised English/Language Arts my entire life… right down to being in remedial reading classes until I practically graduated high school. But sharing my experiences in life brings a different meaning to writing. I want to help people, and let people know that they are not alone. Give tidbits of advice that I’ve learned along the way or tips from a path that I have forged myself. I took cosmetology classes in high school and then proceeded to go back to school for automotive mechanics. I took one semester of college… a total of three classes… and manage to fail one of those classes. So, writing isn’t something you would exactly expect from me. I’ve worked for the past 15 years in my family’s trucking business, wearing every hat from paperwork girl to dispatcher to HBIC (Head B*tch In Charge, in case you were wondering lol). Becoming knowledgeable and exceeding the expectations of a young female in my industry is something that I’m extremely proud of. I got thrown into the ringers of dispatch many years back when my father went into the hospital for stomach pains and ended up being admitted to the hospital for almost a month with a severe diverticulitis attack that resulted in several surgeries. I taught myself as I went along, and pretty much faked it till I made it… all while feeling the weight of 10 full-time employees, and their families, relying on the job I was doing.

There is nothing in this world that you could not achieve if you can dream it. I am such a firm believer in this. I finally, after many years of what seemed like “just floating by”, have a solid plan and goals established for myself. I want to make an impact on the world, even if its only one person. I want to get my family out of debt. Between taking on the responsibilities of being a full-time stepmom, and the astronomical fees of having to fight a court case, this really derailed my husbands and my financial plan. So, my goal, each day, is to work towards making up the deficit in my income from my full-time job and help my family get out of this debt. Beyond that, we would love to move and build a home together. I’ve never been one to settle for mediocre, and I’ve always wanted to do great things. Success was not an option, it was the only option. I have a strong determination and pretty much the perseverance of a marathon runner to accomplish my dreams. And I want to help anybody else who has that same fire burning in their soul, get where they want to be. I want to help people, I want people to know that no matter what season of life they are currently in that there is a silver lining ahead. That on your weakest days, know that you are the one who can pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

As I sit in traffic, talking to my iPad as it types this blog for me, I realize I am very grateful for all the things I do have in my life. I’m grateful for the work ethic that was instilled in me as a child. I’m grateful for the capability to love a child that I did not bear myself, more than anything in this world. I am grateful that I have a great man who loves me and despite our difficulties, I know he is there behind me 100%. So, what do you all my fellow women out there, and maybe even men too, keep your chin up… You can do it… I have faith in you.

xoxo – Cheryl

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My ONE THING I do Every Week to Keep My Sanity as a Busy Mom, Wife & Boss-lady!

The one, and probably most important, word of advice I can give any other busy mom, wife or boss-lady, is to make time for yourself!

It took me forever to learn this valuable lesson. After almost 5 years with my wounded warrior husband, over a year after becoming a full-time step mom, and about 8 months into my bariatric journey 2.0 with the RNY gastric bypass, I can finally say that this is something I make sure I do for myself every week and it has helped my mental well-being tremendously.

Now, I will say, “me-time” can come in funny ways… for me, its grocery shopping. Crazy, right?? Well, let me back track here a little bit. I recently discovered Wegman’s… now, if you aren’t familiar, it’s like the Taj Mahal of grocery stores, in my opinion at least. BUT, the closest one is about 45 minutes from my home. I use Walmart Grocery Pick Up for my bulk items and most of the food for my hubby and kiddo. But once a week, I take a trip down to Wegmans. This is where I get most of my food for my bariatric journey. So, in addition to my time alone, it’s also like a treat, getting to shop for foods JUST for me.

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The one rule I do have though is I always go alone. Selfish, right??? Nope! Not at all. I go on an evening when my husband is home with our son, or when he’s visiting his bio-mom. This time is reserved just for me! No husband, no kids, no dogs, no “work” … just me! I listen to my favorite podcasts on my way there and on the way home. I take my time cruising the aisles of the store without interruption or people nagging me for other stuff. I pick out the high-quality, protein dense foods my body needs and deserves along this journey of transformation.

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I often go after a long day at work, but I find it so refreshing. I feel like I’m getting that solo time to unwind, regroup and get ready for the week ahead. I get all of my food to last me the week, and its food I look forward to eating, because I know it’s healthy.

The other part of this is my podcasts or audible books (PS – if you click that link, you can get a free, 30 day trial to Audible from Amazon!). I really think I was living under a rock before I found them. I look forward to the new podcasts each week that I subscribe to, or the next chapter in a book I’m listening to. It falls in line with my 2019 goal of always working to learn something new and working on better myself. So, between the healthy grocery shipping, and the podcasts/books, it’s a win-win.

We can’t be the best wife, mother or worker that we can be, or to our best potential, without taking that much needed time for ourselves. This is just one of the things I do for myself every week. Sometimes it’s taking a nice, Sunday evening bubble bath (I LOVE my Lush bath bombs!), or a little time in my hot tub on an evening during a busy week. Maybe it’s going to a paint & sip, grabbing a coffee with your girlfriends, or taking that yoga class you keep putting off.

Make some time for you this week!

xoxo Cheryl

How I manage to balance being a Mom, Wife & Boss with multitasking!

Ahhh…. It’s Friday night, 6:15PM and I’m still sitting at my desk at work. This week has been extremely long and draining. Luckily, my step kiddo is with his biological mother tonight so I can put in a few extra hours at the office. Much needed time to get caught up and squared away for the busy weekend. Plus, I tend to work more productively when I’m alone in my office… this would only be better had I brought wine!

With a little bit of downtime, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I manage to find balance when things get chaotic. I have always struggled with finding a work-life/home-life/personal-growth balance. Working hard and being on a constant business hustle… I got that down pat! Being the wife of a wounded warrior, one thing I have learned to adjust to is sudden obstacles and last-minute change of plans (you can check out an early post I wrote about this here). But becoming a full-time stepmom almost a year and a half ago, THAT through a lot into upheaval. Talk about learning a new schedule, new lifestyle, and trying to fit 8 million new-to-me tasks into a small, 24-hour period, and still get a few hours of sleep at night… while still trying to work a full-time job and keep my home in one piece.

Now that I’ve got the mom situation under control a little more, I’ve been working on finding a balance in the three most important areas in my life so that all three are fulfilled and given the attention that they deserve. Here’s what a typical day looks like for me, and how I’ve managed to multitask and streamline some things to find a better balance and more productive environment for everyone in our household.

5:30AM – the alarm clock goes off…. It’s time to get kiddo up and ready for school. I hit snooze a few too many times, and by 5:45 I’m up and on the move. While kiddo is getting ready, I head out to the kitchen, let the dogs out, feed them, make kiddo his over-easy egg & get his vitamins and meds ready for him to take.

6:30AM – kiddo is off to school and this is when I will take a little time to load the dishwasher, start a load of laundry or tidy up a little bit before I have to get myself ready for work. Somedays, I can’t deny it…. I will definitely crawl back under my nice warm covers and set the alarm for 30 minutes. Anyone else get the most amazing sleep when you know you’re supposed to be awake, but you just can’t help it? No? Just me? LOL

7:00AM – time to get myself ready for work… jump in the shower, get dressed, you know, the normal morning routine. I make sure I take my meds and my vitamins, pack my lunch and snacks for the day, and off to work I go.

Now while I’m at work, my laundry is going, my Roomba is vacuuming, and any dishes from this morning are in the dish drain drying. Seriously thou, I LOVE my Roomba… it’s so nice to come home to clean floors daily!! Its automatically set to go every day at 10AM and I can always just ask Alexa to start the vacuum. I definitely love technology that makes my life simpler!

8:00AM – the work day starts… I wear a few different crowns in my career, but most days I’m at my desk, processing paperwork and taking customer calls.

Early afternoon – I leave work to go pick up the kiddo from the bus stop. Some days, I will run and pick up my grocery order on my way home (I use Walmart Grocery for the EASIEST pick up! I simply add things via the app or my computer, place the order, and pick it up! They even load it into my car and I’m off! Click the link above for a promo code to get $10 off your first order!). Any time I’m in the car alone, I’m all about the podcasts or books on Audible (get a great deal for new subscribers by clicking that link!!)… You can find some of my favorite books I’ve listened to recently here. I recently discovered them, and it has made my time in the car feel so much more productive. I love listening to my fav girl, Rachel Hollis, or other learning, self-help, or inspirational podcasts or books (you can find some of them here!).

I get home, will put groceries away if it’s a grocery day, let the dogs out for a quick walk, swap over laundry, pack my kiddo’s “work bag” with his favorite snacks, iPod and a book. I’ll scroll Facebook or Instagram(check me out via those links for the most up-to-date info on whats going on in my life! Id really appreciate it!)while I’m waiting at his bus stop, and back to work we go! He’ll do his homework then relax for a bit while I finish up my work day.

5:00PMish – time to head back home! Kiddo will feed the dogs and empty the Roomba while I get dinner started. I try to utilize my Crock Pot or Instant Pot as much as possible to help cut down on the dinner cook time and make then nights chores a little less hectic. I’ll do whatever other chores that need to be taken care of while dinner cooks. I’ll often make myself a shake, because once everything is taken care of on the home front, its time for me to hit the gym. I’ll usually try to head to the gym to get some cardio in around 6:30-7 and be home around 8ish to tuck kiddo in to do it all again tomorrow!

8:30PM or so – I’ll take care of any last-minute chores, spend a little time writing, prepare any shipments for eBay or my small Etsy shop, maybe even catch up on some of my guilty pleasure TV show, then its bedtime for this tired mama!!

Now, we do have a lot of variations that go on in our schedule, like nights we have therapist appointments, Boy Scouts, or firehouse meetings. Each day is a little different, plus you never know what will get thrown your way! I also work in a crazy-hectic environment, so some days I’m stuck at work till 7 or 8 at night, or I have to be up for work at 5AM… we just adjust our schedule and routine as needed.

Lately, life has taught me a lot about learning how to roll with the punches. Things don’t always go as planned, and some nights you are just too tired to get it all done. And that’s OK!! Just make sure those things that are put off today are a priority tomorrow. Most of the time, if something wasn’t done the day before, I will try to get it done the following morning when I have a little time to myself. Moral of the story… find balance. Whether it be getting up early to make your morning go easier or listening to podcasts to help yourself grow while you are in the car, do it. You’ll be happy you did.

Bonus Tip! – My Apple Calendar has been a LIFESAVER! I linked it to my email, so my phone, laptop, desktop and even my husband’s cell phone ALL have the SAME calendar. This way everyone knows what’s going on and what’s scheduled for that day, including our son’s custody schedule. I even put my workouts and date nights on the calendar to help with accountability!

I’m back! Where have I been?

First and foremost, I’d like to welcome you to the new home of the Veteran’s Wife, Bariatric Life blog! After some research and some solid advice from my idol, Rachel Hollis, I’ve decided to break away from Blogspot, aka Blogger, and branch out on my own!

Why I’ve been MIA for the past *almost* two years…

Where do I begin…. I left off telling you about my departure from the LLR cult nightmare and my pursuit of the gastric sleeve. I’m happy to say the door is completely closed with LLR and I had bariatric surgery on June 11^th, 2018!! Slight change in plans thou…. I had GASTRIC BYPASS!! This is the surgery I’ve wanted since they removed my band, but my old surgeon was against. After talking to my gastroenterologist, who happens to be one of my FAVORITE doctors ever, he referred me to an amazing and world-renowned bariatric surgeon in New York City! After meeting with my new surgeon and his kickass team, he agreed with my past history and severe reflux, that RNY (Roux-en-YGastric Bypass) was the best fit for me overall.

Surgery went well, despite only “bypassing” 100 cm of my intestines, instead of the standard 150 cm due to excessive scar tissue. I got to spend a few days in one of the top rated hospitals in the WORLD with an amazing view of the George Washington Bridge from my hospital room (check out my Instagram @veteranswifebariatriclife to see pics from when I was in the hospital!). My recovery was easy, and the transition from liquids, to soft foods, to normal foods was just as easy as the first go-around with my LapBand. I am so in love with my new “tiny tummy”!

Long story short….. things happen for a reason and always go with your gut! Had I not been sidetracked, hell, completely derailed (I’ll get back to the in a little bit), I would have went along with the Gastric Sleeve, despite my gut instinct that it wasn’t for me. I also suspect this had a lot to do with why I was dragging my feet during the process. I wasn’t excited. I tried to be… but deep down, I knew it wasn’t for me. I’m grateful that things turned out the way they did, and the “bigger plan” finally fell into place. I truly feel this surgery was the right fit for me, as I sit here, typing this post, 7 months post op, sipping on a protein shake.

Now the biggest reason I’ve been missing…. I’m a quasi-fulltime step mom now! I honestly do not know where to begin in telling this story. It’s long, and heartbreaking at times. I’ll just take a deep breath and dive right in.

In 2017, by husband (and I…. I put this in parentheses because its technically only my husband… step moms don’t really have any rights “legally” on paper) petitioned for official joint custody of my step son who was 9 at the time. We had a great relationship with his bio-mom and she was completely on board. We had him every weekend, from Friday to Sunday, as it was anyhow, and life was perfect. This worked well for all of us. I would take him to his baseball games during the week if his bio-mom had work, or if his step dad was busy with his son’s baseball team. Now it was time to put it on paper. We didn’t even have to appear before the judge and everything was agreed upon mutually.

Then it was like an atomic bomb was dropped… it was Friday, November 3^rd. I had picked my step son up early from school that day, as I had to get him to my parents’ house for the night so my husband and I could attend a good friend of ours wedding. On our way down from school, the flood gates opened and my kiddo had unleashed a fury of heartbreaking information. Stories of both physical & mental abuse, alcoholism, and neglect that broke my heart and completely blindsided my husband and myself. I had to pull over the car, and I held this poor, sweet, innocent 10 year old as he cried his eyes out and shook in fear that “CPS would come and take him and his siblings away” because he “told someone” what was happening. The only thing I could do was assure him that everything was going to be ok, that daddy and I would protect him, and that we were proud of him for telling me what was going on. The breaking point; lobster. A South African Lobster Tail he had so excitedly told his mother and step father about after going to dinner with my parents one week prior. They had went out to dinner to celebrate their one year anniversary of being “grandparents” so my husband and I could enjoy our first wedding anniversary together. Apparently, kids are not supposed to order lobster, and he was “reprimanded” for doing so. My parents didn’t care… they were the ones footing the bill… they told him he could anything he wanted, and this wasn’t his first time ordering his favorite lobster. He was excited to tell his older step brother and even wanted to take him there for his birthday, so he could have the famous giant lobster tail, too.

This was just the tip of a huge iceberg we were about to crash into. First thing Monday morning, we were in court, filing an order of protection and establishing emergency custody. I’ll spare you the details of a very long and painfully drawn out story, but after a full year plus, countless court dates and thousands upon thousands of dollars in legal fees, we now have primary physical custody and joint legal custody. The things that we went through as a family, I would never wish that on anyone. I spent 8 months driving him to and from his old school, an hour each way… that’s 4 hours in the car A DAY for me… 5 days a week… for EIGHT months. To say this took a toll on me mentally and physically would be an understatement. I was now in charge of someone else; making sure he was fed, bathed, nourished, healthy, happy… it was a learning curve. Anything and everything that had to do with me had to take a back seat (as well as my pursuit of bariatric surgery, round 2). I cried many days once I had dropped him off, knowing that I would have to squeeze an 8 hour workday into 4 hours that I was there, and seeing what seemed like no end in sight. But there would be an end… or at least a break from the craziness. I’m blessed to have an amazing child in my life, who is now 11, and thriving. Doing A-MAZE-ING in his new school district. Who is unbelievably well-behaved and well mannered. Who often reminds me that I’m doing a great job as his step mom, even when I question myself.

All in all, I am blessed. I am lucky. The custody situation is closed, for now. Surgery is DONE. I am on my way to a happier, healthier me. I’ve been working on finding the balance between family-care and self-care. Working on making myself a priority while still making sure my family is well taken care of. It’s no longer a weekend mom gig … it’s a 7-day-a-week mom gig. I have to put this tiny human first, while also putting my health and wellbeing first as well.

Here’s to 2019…. A year of self-improvement, thanks to my recent discovery of Podcasts and Audible …. Why didn’t I know about you when I was in the car for 4 hours a day!?! LOL

xoxo Cheryl