1 – Planning things in advance is a lost cause With PTSD, there are triggers all around. You never know where they are or when they will hit. But it’ll happen from time to time. Plans change. Date night gets rescheduled. Vacations end up being cooped up in your hotel room. Its not all bad, but it takes some getting used to. I was never a go-with-the-flow type of person. I was always a planner and always moving. But I’ve learned to let a lot of that go and just learn to adapt to the situation at hand.
2 – Expect the ups and downs, but don’t always wait for the downs There will be huge ups and downs… sometimes month to month…. Sometimes hour to hour. It can take a lot to learn how to live with the rollercoaster of emotions, but its manageable. And there are always positive days to look forward to.
3 – They have huge hearts They care more then you could even imagine. Those changes in plans and rescheduled date nights bother them probably more then they bother you. They just want to be the best person possible, but sometimes PTSD doesn’t always let that go according to plan.
4 – Keeping a schedule is a must Keeping a routine and schedule is one of the most important thing I’ve found to help both me and my Vet. It keeps me from constantly nagging him, and he remembers to do things without me asking (this is also a huge milestone for those who have suffered a TBI as well…. Remembering to do things can be really hard for them!). For example, on Wednesday nights, he goes to his PTSD Combat Vet group at our local VA and I catch up on chores at home and do his meds for the week. This way they are ready to go when he leaves for work in the morning.
5 – Learn to let go Its hard not to take everything personally. Trust me, I know. Im the queen of taking everything to heart. But sometimes their frustration is misplaced and it comes out in anger or passive-aggressive behavior. This in no way is an excuse to allow yourself to be treated poorly, just remember that sometimes its not your fault and that “this too shall pass”.
6 – Its not always your fault… or theirs PTSD does crazy things to ones mind. Anger, depression, irritability, anxiety and aggressiveness all go hand-in-hand with PTSD. Its like a defense mechanism. But remember, above all, that it is not your fault. Sometimes we trigger them inadvertently, but the way they react isn’t always necessary. I am always telling my husband that I understand you are angry about such-and-such, but that it isn’t cause for the reaction that he has. We learn to adapt, and we learn to let go. But never make excuses for bad behavior.
7 – There will be good days, and there will be bad Life will be full of ups and downs. There will be days that are great and surreal, and other days where getting out of bed is a struggle. Sometimes we cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I assure you, its there. Remind yourself to keep your chin up, and take care of yourself, and your significant other. You need to support each other in the good times and the bad.
8 – Don’t expect your family or friends to understand This was one of the hardest things I had to learn. I knew nothing about PTSD before I met my husband. I had a lot to learn. So it was hard for my friends to understand why things had to change, or why plans had to be cancelled last minute. You learn to be careful with what you say about your boyfriend, or saying how he might react to situations. But once you explain certain things, they get it. They are totally ok with letting him sit with his back to the wall at a restaurant, or leaving early when the band starts to play because the loud music and dark setting is overwhelming. But they will learn, just like you have.
9 – Finding other spouses like you will be a lifesaver It took me forever to finally find someone who understood what my life consisted of on a day-to-day basis. But recently I met another wife of a combat veteran with PTSD at a VA workshop, and her friendship has been like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that I’m not alone, and mostly that I’m not crazy.
10 -The VA can be the biggest pain, but also a huge help if you look for it I remember one day making a list of how many phone calls and redirects it took me to finally get an Emergency Room visit covered by my husbands VA benefits. It was frustrating and I wanted to pull my hair out. Or waiting 4 months to get an appointment with a psychiatrist that could be scheduled around my husbands work hours. But ya know what, I made it happen. Persistency was key. They VA often gets a bad rap, but once you know who to talk to and where to look, the help they offer is invaluable. They offer programs for caregivers, which has been a huge help for me. And they offer peer-to-peer support. Once you connect with other caregivers and veterans, many of them have been down your road before, and they are more then willing to help and point you in the right direction. Never give up. You can always find what you need. Sometimes it takes longer then you’d like, but it’ll be there.